The Alchemy of Attraction: Why We Fall for the "Wrong" People (And How to Stop)

Happy Valentine’s Day. Or, as it’s known in clinical circles: The Annual Festival of Attachment Activation.

While the rest of Soho is currently battling for the last bouquet of overpriced roses or a table for two in a crowded bistro, let’s take a moment to look under the hood of the romantic engine. If you’ve ever found yourself wondering why you keep dating the same "emotionally unavailable" person in a different leather jacket, or why you’re bored by the "nice" ones, you aren’t broken—you’re likely experiencing the potent, often frustrating intersection of Attachment Theory and Schema Chemistry.

The Blueprint: Attachment Theory

Most of us like to think our choice in partners is a matter of sophisticated taste. In reality, we are often operating on a software update that was installed before we could even walk.

Attachment theory suggests that the bond with our primary caregivers creates a template for how we perceive intimacy and safety.

• Secure Attachment: You feel comfortable with closeness and aren't terrified of being alone.

• Anxious Attachment: You crave intimacy but live in a state of high alert for signs of rejection.

• Avoidant Attachment: You equate intimacy with a loss of independence and tend to retreat when things get "too real."

On Valentine’s Day, these styles are on full display. The anxious partner is hyper-vigilant about the quality of the gift as a metric for love, while the avoidant partner might feel a sudden, inexplicable urge to work late to avoid the pressure of forced sentimentality.

The Spark: Schema Chemistry

Now, let’s add a layer of complexity: Schemas. These are enduring patterns of thinking and behaving that develop in childhood. If you grew up feeling like you had to be "perfect" to be loved, or that people eventually leave you, you’ve developed schemas (like Unrelenting Standards or Abandonment).

Schema Chemistry is that immediate, visceral "spark" we feel when we meet someone. While we like to call it "soulmate energy," in many cases, it’s actually our schemas recognizing a familiar pattern.

If you have an Abandonment schema, you won't necessarily be attracted to the person who promises to stay; you will be magnetically drawn to the person who feels like they might leave. Why? Because it feels "right." It’s familiar. It’s the "chemistry" of your emotional wounds seeking a match. It’s like two puzzle pieces clicking together—only the resulting picture is a bit of a mess.

The "Chemistry" Trap

This is where the humour of the human condition kicks in. We often dismiss healthy, secure individuals as "boring" or "lacking chemistry."

Clinical Translation: "Boring" often means "predictable and safe." If your nervous system is addicted to the high-stakes roller coaster of chasing an avoidant partner, a secure person feels like a flat line on an EKG.

In my 20 years of practice, I’ve seen this play out repeatedly. We mistake the anxiety of an activated attachment system for the "fire" of true love. But let’s be direct: if the "spark" feels like a panic attack, it’s probably not the One—it’s just your old survival mechanisms having a party.

Toward a Healthier Love

So, what do we do? If you’re single in Soho or coupled up and feeling the friction, here are a few scientific—yet friendly—reminders for navigating the day:

1. Audit the Spark: When you feel that intense "click," ask yourself: Does this person feel like home, or do they feel like a familiar problem? 2. Lean into the "Boring": If you’re dating someone who communicates clearly, shows up on time, and doesn't play games, don't write them off. Give your nervous system time to recalibrate to peace.

2. Recognize the "Push-Pull": If you feel the urge to withdraw (Avoidant) or the urge to cling (Anxious) today, label it. "My attachment system is activated because Valentine's Day creates artificial pressure."

3. A Note on Psychedelics: (A special interest of mine). Research into psychedelic-assisted therapy suggests these substances can sometimes help "loosen" these rigid schemas, allowing individuals to view their attachment patterns with more objectivity and self-compassion. While not a Valentine’s activity, it’s a fascinating frontier in how we heal the capacity to love.

4. 
   

Final Thoughts

Love isn't just a feeling; it’s a biological imperative filtered through a lifetime of experiences. This Valentine’s Day, treat yourself with the same clinical curiosity and kindness you’d offer a friend. Whether you’re celebrating with a partner, or enjoying the relative quiet of your own company, remember that you are more than your blueprints.

The goal isn't to find someone who completes your "missing pieces"—it’s to find someone who doesn't trip your emotional landmines, and whose landmines you are willing to help them navigate.

Stay sane, stay curious, and maybe skip the overpriced roses.

To explore your relationship patterns, get in touch.